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Confession can be a very powerful way to rebuild the trust in a relationship. It is separate from the building blocks because it is not a critical aspect of rebuilding trust. Nonetheless, it is a method I often suggest people use in conjunction with the other trust practices in this chapter.
We go through so much of life telling each other ‘little white lies. ’Sometimes we do this in the service of social ease. If someone you’ve just met asks how you’re doing, it’s not necessarily appropriate to tell that person the complexities of your mood and your life, so you reply, “I’m fine. How are you?”In other cases, we lie simply for personal comfort. We tell a small lie to someone because telling the truth doesn’t seem to be worth the effort that a full explanation would take.
In an intimate relationship, this can start to happen a lot. How many times have you squeezed the toothpaste from the top just because you wanted to and then told your partner that you “forgot” when she/he got annoyed with you for it? Situations like these present themselves all the time in relationships.
It is too easy for these small lies to turn into slightly bigger lies over time. Perhaps you really wanted that pantsuit, decided not to pay the Visa bill so you could buy it, and then told your partner you “lost” the bill. Or perhaps you “took a really long time at the grocery store” because you were tired of being in the house and wanted to go out for a drive.
When you are in a relationship that has suffered an affair, every untruth can look like more proof that you are not a trustworthy person. What’s more, people who have cheated on their partners are predisposed to lying. ‘Little white lies’ are sometimes just the thing that sets off a larger pattern of lying that leads the cheater down a treacherous path. It’s the old slippery slope again.
What better way to practice becoming transparent and building love in your relationship than by confessing to the small lies you tell from time to time? This practice will help your partner trust you again, and it is good for you because it helps you heal from an undesirable character trait, namely, lying.
I highly recommend that you institute a zero-tolerance policy regarding lying, since truth and trust are always going to be issues after an affair. While it is easier said than done, you can put this into practice by noticing your own speech. Pay attention to your words and feelings, searching for even tiny untruths, distortions, or exaggerations. As soon as possible after you are aware of the untruth, tell your partner what you did and correct the lie.
This will take some practice. You will have to fight your natural inclination to escape the truth and avoid the shame, embarrassment, or consequences of your untruth. It will take you a little while to catch yourself consistently when you are lying, but it will come if you are persistent. I have found people to be truly surprised at the unexpected benefits gained by successfully doing this exercise.
When you catch yourself in a lie, go in the opposite direction; confess instead. Imagine that your partner says, “Did you forget to put the toilet seat down again?” You can respond by saying, “No. I was the only one home today, and I didn’t want to lift it up each time I had to pee. I meant to put it down before you came home, but I spaced out. I want to be considerate of your needs, and I am sorry that I didn’t remember it before you arrived.” Or if you really do want that pantsuit, tell your partner in advance. You might say, “You know, I really would like to buy this new pantsuit. I know it’s totally irresponsible, but how would you feel about skipping the Visa payment this month and letting me buy the suit instead?”
You don’t want to approach this in a way that is challenging or threatening to your partner. Just open up to your mate and tell the truth. I’m assuming that most of the time your actions aren’t malicious. Most people don’t do things just to hurt other people. Generally, they have a rationale. Share that rationale with your partner before he/she accuses you of doing something wrong. Once you are accused of a ‘bad’ behavior, it might be too late for the rationale because it can appear to be a defensive posture. You need to take charge and own the problem first. Become completely transparent and confess.
At first, your partner could be shocked by such candid honesty or angry that you were untruthful in the first place. It could even be slightly uncomfortable for your mate. She/he might think it is some kind of trick or a ruse you are trying to play. If your partner thinks you’re playing a game, simply explain what you are doing. Let your mate know that you want to turn over a new leaf and be completely honest with her/him and that you are practicing this in simple ways because you hope that your partner can trust you again one day.
A Warning about confessions.
This is general advice. I don’t know your partners’ personality type or how much trauma they may be facing or trying to cope with right now. Conversely, if your partner is prone to anger and you know your confession will enrage them, you must consider your safety if you are to confess without the safety of a neutral third party.
Confession in this sense doesn’t mean that you open up and let all the skeletons out of the closet at one time—particularly with regard to the affair. Remember that the injured partner is always in charge of how much is disclosed in that arena. Don’t try to sit down one day and tell your partner about all of your demons. Instead, just make simple confessions every day.
