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There are 10 different types of emotional needs that both people in a relationship need to have satisfied; ten different emotional levels on which they need to connect. Each has its own importance, and they must all be kept in balance to maintain a good relationship.
NOTE: If you have a need that is important to you and it is not on this list, then add it in. This is a list of the most common emotional needs.
Affection: Something as simple as brushing up against one another as you pass by, showing affection without anything sexual involved. Believe it or not, guys want it as much as the women.
Sexual fulfillment: The physical act, with or without the above stated affection. There is an old saying that “women need to feel loved in order to have sex while men need sex in order to feel loved.” A corollary might go something like “if a woman uses sex as a tool for her husband, she should not be surprised to find him being unfaithful.
Conversation: Communication is a dynamic process of discovery and connection that energizes one another.
Recreational needs and companionship: People don’t spend enough time playing and laughing together.
Honesty and openness: Builds trust in a relationship.
Physical attractiveness: A huge issue for men and women alike and probably a book in itself.
Financially supporting each other: Most fights between couples begin and end over financial issues.
Domestic support: What does each partner do in the home?
Family commitment: How committed are you to family issues and chores around the house?
Admiration: Everyone craves admiration for what they do, so can you expect any less from your spouse?
Affection is particularly important for men in the long run. When a woman forgets to be affectionate this can push a man away to the point where he gets his needs met elsewhere. Affection can be tied up with sex, but needn’t be. Affection can be as simple as an opening a car door or an extra squeeze of the hand. Affection is the little things you do and say for one another that let the other know that you care.
How often do you show little signs of affection? Details matter in any endeavor, and when it comes to relationships, Affection is a detail that matters. You can attract more flies with honey than vinegar, or in this case you can attract more feelings of love and bonding with affection that non-affection. Be the honey; show your partner a moment or two of passing unplanned affection. An unusually long stare or authentic smile can go a long way.
Sexual fulfillment is an often talked about subject for many couples. The chemical, biological and emotional requirement for sex in a healthy relationship shouldn’t be ignored. In healthy relationships, couples have sex about three to four times a week. When you married one another, part of the promise was to be there for each other physically, to be each other’s sexual partner; the vow did not say, “Once a month on Sundays.” If you cannot find the time, or if you let the dog sleep between the both of you, (unless there is a medical problem) you are avoiding the issue. This is the love of your life, the one to whom you have unconditionally sworn, and it is worth your time to do whatever it takes to reconnect emotionally and sexually.
Many people surround themselves with the drama of sex, fear of the truth about sex, fear of the rejection of not having sex, and never address the direct question, which is, “Why are you not having sex?” What is the issue behind it? Maybe your sexual role model set a bad example. Maybe the wife feels ignored or not respected and doesn’t have the sex drive, or maybe he’s not showering and she simply doesn’t want to touch him.
From Savannah:
“I had a client that was a wealthy farmer. He felt like he didn’t have to put in all that much effort and would often wear the same pants every day and not shower because he was just going out early the next morning to get dirty again. His wife, on the other hand, was repulsed and didn’t want to touch him. This was her husband and it felt awkward that she should have to tell him to take a shower. It took her months before the three of us were able to simple put hygiene on the table.”
It’s not unusual to be reluctant about talking about sexual problems. With most couples, there is quite a bit of emotion attached to it. People can get defensive regardless of the issue. “In the case of the farmer who needed a shower, his wife simply invited him into her shower. Without telling him he smelled, she was able to reset some habits and focus on their intimacy instead of hygiene.”
Conversation is something we can have with anybody every day, so why converse less with your spouse? The level and amount of conversation you have with him or her needs to be such that your partner feels validated and important. With mutual trust and friendship, share openly and fully. A lack of trust creates inauthentic conversations. Many married couples fall into “How was work, today?” or “What time is the school board meeting?” conversations. While these may be important to make sure Timmy gets to soccer practice on time, be sure to also check in with each other’s hearts, as well.
Expressing an interest in what the other person is saying makes that person feel validated. If you stop talking, if you feel there is no need to “have that same conversation again”, or start limiting your statements to factual and procedural matters, the need for conversational connection may be met elsewhere. Many emotional affairs are seeded in the monotony of task-based conversations between couples.
Conversation is not the same as nagging, or the wife pouncing on the husband the minute he gets home. Allow each other the space and time to decompress and check in on the basics before digging deep into each other’s hearts and souls. Being heard and knowing how to listen is the heart of conversation. Good conversation is the beginnings of connection.
Recreational companionship. Successful couples spend 10 to 15 hours per week of quality time together to affirm a happy and long lasting relationship. You probably spent a good deal of quality companionship time together when you were courting, so keep couring. After all, that was the reason for the courtship in the first place: to spend time together, not just spend twenty years paying off a mortgage.
What did you do when you were dating? Was it a walk in the park, or playing tennis together? Maybe it’s that couples bowling league, or biking along a mountain trail. Simple or involved, at home or on a trip, be creative and spontaneous.
Just because you got married, does not mean you have to stop courting one another. The opposite is true. Successful couples continue to date each other while they are married.
Physical Attractiveness can be a significant emotional need for many couples, and many people are uncomfortable talking about this value with our spouse. In our 20’s and 30’s it is often accepted that we look good and stay in shape. As a couple enter their midlife, two distinct paths tend to emerge. Some people accept the effects of gravity as a normal consequence of aging. Other’s go on a health kick, join a gym and refuse to “age gracefully.” If one spouse fights for this value and the other does not, the disconnect of physical attractiveness can quietly chip away at our other secure connections.
I had one client that stopped kissing her husband ten years prior. When I asked her why, she said, “He’s a bad kisser. I never mentioned that to him, but it didn’t seem to impact our relationship.”
For the wife, this was not a high value. However, this lack of affection affected his emotional need for physical attractiveness and her avoidance of the issue accelerated the disconnect.
Honesty is the glue that holds all the other values together. Without honesty, being attractive, openness and all the other values reside on a house of cards. When we embrace trust (being vulnerable without fear of disconnect) we can be honest. Honesty, without tact, of course doesn’t build any emotional bridges. Be sensitive to his or her feelings and how you deliver your honest feelings. In the above kissing example, telling someone their faults accentuates the negative. It would be better to encourage a positive behavior, such as saying, “Honey, whatever happened to those passionate lip locks you used to give me?” and say it with a smile and a hug. Fulfill your mutual needs for honesty in a positive, playful manner.
Financial Security directly relates to emotions. Your emotional state governs everything you do, including investing, impulse buying and budgeting. Communication and values regarding money can make or break a lot a couple. When both people have similar values regarding money, financial security is a natural, emotional dividend.
When there are two separate spending and saving patterns with a couple, disagreements are most definitely assured. In many cases, the value we put on money only scratches the surface of how we relate and embrace each other’s core beliefs. Are you opening up, connecting and trusting your spouse if you withhold the sharing of finances? A common definition of marriage is two who become one, connecting completely with the other, and trusting one another enough to get past the, “This stuff over here is mine and that stuff over there is yours.” Sharing financials and trusting your partner to appreciate your beliefs does more than balances a checkbook. It will balance your faith in each other.
From Joe
“I was working with a couple in their 60’s. During the husband’s entire life he was the breadwinner, while she had been the housewife. They were nearing retirement when the sparks of discontent began to fly. He had worked fourteen-hour days as a security guard, but when he came home at the end of the day, instead of letting him relax she would began to nag him about what else he was not doing. He would then complain that she had not only never worked a day in her life but also made it quite clear that she never wanted to work or contribute financially. He felt that if she was able to contribute and understand what it was like to actually earn some money and give back to the family rather than just taking, he would feel more validated and loved. Even if she volunteered, it would have allowed her to talk a walk in his shoes.”
Financial planning, beliefs about money, saving and lifestyle are items best talked about before you get married. Discussing how things will be handled, and what sort of financial input is to be expected from each person will ease any false expectations for the future.
Domestic Support and Family Commitmentare key emotional elements that require thorough understanding by both parties, regardless of who handles most of the tasks. In many traditional home dynamics, domestic chores fall to the woman. If this is true in your household, how does the husband support her in the day-to-day chores? Is she always taking out the trash and cleaning up while he sits in front of the television exhausted from his full day? Are both parents equally helping with homework for the children?
Regardless of who is leading and tackling these responsibilities, both domestic support and family commitments require constant acknowledgment and awareness in order to feed the emotional bond you both need as a team.
Many a fight has started over something as silly as taking out the trash or fixing a faucet. Are these tiny items worth jeopardizing your domestic contract? If either of you feel overwhelmed, count to 10 and instead of lashing out at each other, take a step back and look at the situation from the other person’s perspective. If you’ve been at work all day, you may need a little down time to decompress before helping with dinner or assisting with homework. If you’ve been couped up all day and desperate for adult conversation, allow a brief buffer zone of time to elapse before launching into a stream of tasks, requests or conversation.
For couples who don’t work together, be keenly aware that the other person is most likely busting their hump domestically, economically (or both!) to make your house a home. Give each other the space, acknowledgement and affirmations they deserve and need.
And finally, Admiration. When has the need to be admired by a loved one not been an emotional issue? No one wants to be ignored, especially by his or her significant other. They want to be admired for what and who they are, men in particular. When you stop showing admiration for your spouse, he or she will begin to feel like they aren’t loved or needed, and that can lead to growing farther and farther apart. Men need to be affirmed as men…to be acknowledged for their masculine qualities, regardless of their profession. It is the smart spouse who encourages and admires her man. Likewise, no woman has ever rejected a sincere compliment. Even if she doesn’t respond externally, internally, every woman wants to be admired and revered as the beautiful princess you once told her she was.
A relationship is an emotional contract, and marriage shares many of the same qualities as a business deal (exchanging value with another party). You need to collaborate with one another and achieve common emotional ground. The goal, after all, is for you both to be winners. Once you realize that, then you are on the road to having not just a good relationship, but a great relationship.
The Emotional Needs Assessment
Below is a great worksheet you can use to continuously monitor your mutual emotional needs.
Make copies of this and share your progress openly and without judgment.
1. Affection (the expression of love in words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love)
A. Need for affection: Indicate how much you need affection by circling the appropriate number:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have moderate need I have a great need
How often would you like your spouse to be affectionate to you?
_______________ times each day/week/month (circle one).
If you are not shown affection by your spouse as often as you indicated above, how does it make you feel (circle the appropriate letter)?
a. Very unhappy.
b. Somewhat unhappy.
c. Neither happy nor unhappy.
d. Happy not to be shown affection.
B. Evaluation of spouse’s affection: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s affection toward you by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
Extremely Dissatisfied Neither Extremely Satisfied
My spouse gives me (circle the appropriate letter)
a. all the affection I need, and I like the way he/she does it.
b. not enough affection, but when he/she does it, it is the way I like it.
c. all the affection I need, but it is not the way I like it.
d. not enough affection, and when he/she tries, it is not the way I like it.
Explain how your need for affection could be better satisfied in your marriage.
2. Sexual Fulfillment (a sexual experience that brings out a predictably enjoyable sexual response in both of you that is frequent enough for both of you).
A. Need for sexual fulfillment: Indicate how much you need sexual fulfillment by circling the appropriate number.
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have moderate need I have a great need
How often would you like your spouse to engage in sexual relations with you?
____________ times each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not engage in sexual relations with you as often as you indicated above, how does it make you feel (circle the appropriate letter)?
a. Very unhappy.
b. Neither happy nor unhappy.
c. Somewhat unhappy
d. Happy not to engage in sex.
B. Evaluation of sexual relations with your spouse: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s sexual relations with you by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
Extremely Dissatisfied Neither Extremely Satisfied
My spouse gives me (circle the appropriate letter)
a. all the sex I need, and I like the way he/she does it.
b. not enough sex, but when he/she does it, it is the way I like it.
c. all the sex I need, but it is not the way I like it.
d. not enough sex, and when we do have sex it is not the way I like it
Explain how your need for sexual fulfillment could be better satisfied in your marriage.
3. Conversation (talking about events of the day, personal feelings, and plans for the future; showing interest in your favorite topics of conversation; balancing conversation; using it to inform, investigate, and understand you; and giving you undivided attention)
A. Need for conversation: Indicate how much you need conversation by circling the appropriate number:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have moderate need I have a great need
How often would you like your spouse to talk with you?
_______________ times each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not talk with you as often as you indicated above, how does it make you feel (circle the appropriate letter)?
a. Very unhappy.
b. Somewhat unhappy.
c. Neither happy nor unhappy
d. Happy not to talk with my spouse.
B. Evaluation of conversation with your spouse: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s conversation with you by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
Extremely Dissatisfied Neither Extremely Satisfied
My spouse gives me (circle the appropriate letter)
a. all the conversation I need, and I like the way he/she does it.
b. not enough conversation, but when he/she does it, it is the way I like it.
c. all the conversation I need, but it is not the way I like it.
d. not enough conversation and when we do it is not the way I like it
Explain how your need for conversation could be better satisfied in your marriage.
4. Recreational Companionship (developing interest in your favorite recreational activities, learning to be proficient in them, and joining you in those activities).
A. Need for recreational companionship: Indicate how much you need recreational companionship by circling the appropriate number:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have moderate need I have a great need
How often would you like your spouse join you in recreational activities?
_______________ times each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not join you in recreational activities as often as you indicated above, how does it make you feel (circle the appropriate letter)?
a. Very unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy
c. Neither happy nor unhappy
d. Happy not to join spouse in recreation.
B. Evaluation of recreational companionship with your spouse: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s recreational companionship with you by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
Extremely Dissatisfied Neither Extremely Satisfied
My spouse gives me (circle the appropriate letter)
a. all the recreational companionship I need, and I like the way he/she does it.
b. not enough recreational companionship, but when he/she does it, it is the way I (like it.
c. all the recreational companionship I need, but it is not the way I like it.
d. not enough recreational companionship, and when he/she tries, it is not the way I (like it.
Explain how your need for recreational companionship could be better satisfied in your marriage.
5. Honesty and Openness (revealing positive and negative feelings, events of the past, daily events and schedule, plans for the future; not leaving a false impression; answering questions truthfully and completely).
A. Need for honesty and openness: Indicate how much you need honesty by circling the appropriate number:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have moderate need I have a great need
Which of the following areas of honesty and openness would you like from your spouse (circle the letter(s) that apply to you)?
a. Sharing positive and negative emotional reactions to significant aspects of life.
b. Sharing information regarding his/her personal history.
c. Sharing information about his/her daily activities.
d. Sharing information about his/her future schedule and plans.
If your spouse fails to be open and honest in those areas that you indicated above, how does it make you feel (circle appropriate letter)?
a. Very unhappy
b. Somewhat unhappy
c. Neither happy nor unhappy
d. Happy not to have honesty and openness.
B. Evaluation of spouse’s honesty and openness: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s honesty and openness with you by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
Extremely Dissatisfied Neither Extremely Satisfied
My spouse is (circle the appropriate letter)
a. honest and open with me, and I like the way he/she does it.
b. not honest and open enough with me, but when he/she does it, it is the way I like it.
c. honest and open with me, but it is not the way I like it.
d. not honest and open with me, and when he/she tries, it is not the way I like it.
Explain how your need for honesty & openness could be better satisfied in your marriage.
6. An Attractive Spouse (keeping physically fit with diet and exercise, wearing hair and clothing in a way that you find attractive and tasteful).
A. Need for an attractive spouse: Indicate how much you need an attractive spouse by circling the appropriate number:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have moderate need I have a great need
Which of the following characteristics of attractiveness mean the most to you (circle the letter(s) that apply to you)?
a. Physical fitness and normal weight.
b. Attractive choice of clothes.
c. Attractive hairstyle.
d. Good physical hygiene.
e. Attractive facial makeup.
f. Other ______________________
If your spouse does not have those characteristics that you circled above, how does it make you feel (circle the appropriate letter)?
a. Very unhappy.
b. Somewhat unhappy
c. Neither happy nor unhappy
d. Happy not to have an attractive spouse.
B. Evaluation of spouse’s attractiveness: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s attractiveness by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
Extremely Dissatisfied Neither Extremely Satisfied
My spouse is (circle the appropriate letter)
a. attractive to me, and I like the way he/she does it.
b. not attractive to me, but when he/she was, I like the way he/she achieved it.
c. attractive to me, but I do not like the way he/she achieves it.
d. not attractive to me, and when he/she was, I did not like the way it was achieved.
Explain how your need for an attractive spouse could be better satisfied in your marriage.
7. Financial Support (the provision of financial resources to house, feed, and clothe your family at a standard of living acceptable to you, but avoiding travel and working hours that are unacceptable)
A. Need for financial support: Indicate how much you need financial support by circling the appropriate number:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have moderate need I have a great need
How much money would you like your spouse to earn to support you (and your children)? _______________
If your spouse does not earn the amount you indicated above, how does it make you feel (circle the appropriate letter)?
a. Very unhappy.
b. Somewhat unhappy.
c. Neither happy nor unhappy.
d. Happy not to have my spouse provide support.
B. Evaluation of spouse’s financial support: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s financial support of you by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
Extremely Dissatisfied Neither Extremely Satisfied
My spouse (circle the appropriate letter)
a. earns enough money to support me, and I like the way he/she earns it.
b. does not earn enough to support me, but I like the way he/she earns it.
c. earns enough money to support me, but I do not like the way he/she earns it.
d. does not enough to support me, and I do not like the way he/she earns it.
Explain how your need for financial support could be better satisfied in your marriage.
8. Domestic Support (creation of a home environment for you that offers a refuge from the stresses of life; management of the home and care of the children—if any are at home— including but not limited to cooking meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, housecleaning).
A. Need for domestic support: Indicate how much you need domestic support by circling the appropriate number:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have moderate need I have a great need
(How much time would you like your spouse to be engaged in domestic support?
_______________ hours each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not spend as much time engaged in domestic support as you indicated above, how does it make you feel (circle the appropriate letter)?
a. Very unhappy.
b. Somewhat unhappy.
c. Neither happy nor unhappy.
d. Happy not to have domestic support.
B. Evaluation of spouse’s domestic support: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s domestic support by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
Extremely Dissatisfied Neither Extremely Satisfied
My spouse gives me (circle the appropriate letter)
a. all the domestic support I need, and I like the way he/she does it.
b. not enough domestic support, but when he/she does it, it is the way I like it.
c. all the domestic support I need, but it is not the way I like it.
d. not enough domestic support, and when he/she tries, it is not the way I like it.
Explain how your need for domestic support could be better satisfied in your marriage.
9. Family Commitment (scheduling sufficient time and energy for the moral and educational development of your children; reading to them, taking them on frequent outings, developing the skill in appropriate child-training methods and discussing those methods with you; avoiding any child-training methods or disciplinary action that does not have your enthusiastic support).
A. Need for family commitment: Indicate how much you need family commitment by circling the appropriate number:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have moderate need I have a great need
How much time would you like your spouse to be engaged in family commitment?
_______________ hours each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not spend as much time engaged in family commitment as you indicated above, how does it make you feel (circle the appropriate letter)?
a. Very unhappy.
b. Somewhat unhappy
c. Neither happy nor unhappy
d. Happy not to have family commitment.
B. Evaluation of spouse’s family commitment: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s family commitment by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
Extremely Dissatisfied Neither Extremely Satisfied
My spouse (circle the appropriate letter)
a. commits enough time to the family and spends it in ways I like
b. does not commit enough time to the family, but when he/she does it, it’s spent in (ways that I like.
c. commits enough time to the family, but does not spend it in ways that I like.
d. does not commit enough time to the family, and when he/she does, it is not spent (in ways that I like it.
Explain how your need for family commitment could be better satisfied in your marriage.
10. Admiration (respecting, valuing, and appreciating you clearly and often).
A. Need for admiration: Indicate how much you need admiration by circling the appropriate number:
0 1 2 3 4 5 6
I have no need I have moderate need I have a great need
How often would you like your spouse to admire you?
_______________ times each day/week/month (circle one).
If your spouse does not admire you as often as you indicated above, how does it make you feel (circle the appropriate letter)?
a. Very unhappy.
b. Somewhat unhappy.
c. Neither happy nor unhappy.
d. Happy not to be admired.
B. Evaluation of spouse’s admiration: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s admiration toward you by circling the appropriate number.
-3 -2 -1 0 1 2 3
Extremely Dissatisfied Neither Extremely Satisfied
My spouse gives me (circle the appropriate letter)
a. all the admiration I need, and I like the way he/she does it.
b. not enough admiration, but when he/she does it, it is the way I like it.
c. all the admiration I need, but it is not the way I like it.
d. not enough admiration, and when he/she tries, it is not the way I like it.
Explain how your need for admiration could be better satisfied in your marriage.
To read more about Rebooting your Relationship, you can download the first chapter for FREE CLICK HERE or buy the book CLICK HERE
For more information, contact Dr. Savannah at (415) 877-4004 or sav@savannahellis.net
