The WHY Question

You have found this page, because YOU are looking for answers to explain WHY the affair happened and how can you restore your life to some sort of normalcy (either together or divorced) after this earth shattering event.

A common reason as to why many relationships never recover after the discovery of an affair, is due to not understanding WHY the affair happened. It is very important for both the cheater and non-cheater alike, to know WHY the affair happened.

A Note to the Cheating Partner

Saying “I don’t know” just doesn’t cut it. Of course you know. What you are really saying by saying “I Don’t know is one of the following:

  1. Not wanting to hurt the non-cheating spouses feelings any more
    • Is this even possible? Believe me – what they are thinking that you did, FAR exceeds what you actually did. Most betrayed spouses will often say….”oh…is that all that happened, I thought you did far worse.”
  2. Still seeing the “lover” and you want to be left alone to continue the affair relationship.
    • Yes, yes, yes – I have heard it all before, “…but I have left the lover.” If the affair is still going on, you probably won’t want to let the cat out of the bag. So you say to your betrayed spouse….”I just don’t know why.” Why you mean to say but can’t is, “….but can’t I have my cake and eat it too?”
  3. You have had SO many affairs, that you don’t know where to begin.
    • You are not alone in this boat. Cheaters are often busted on 1 of their affairs, but have had a whole trailer load of other affairs. Let me help you here by saying that you need to take ownership of your affair type, and then work the Treatment Plan offered in the 7 Step Program. There IS a reason for WHY you did what you did.
  4. You are Narcissistic
    • If you are narcissistic and reading this page to save your relationship, your spouse must be seriously ready to file for divorce or has already filed. I must say, congratulations as you are on a path for self-improvement. But do you believe it is you who needs to change, or is it your non-cheating spouse that requires a therapist? Your spouse will not forget what has happened, and now that your non-monogamous lifestyle is out-of-the-bag, do you think your spouse will not cheat on you?
  5. You have had a lobotomy.
    • You are a few decades late to use this excuse. Time to dig deeper and give your partner the time, effort, and respect of an answer. Your relationship recovery time begins from answering the WHY.

Many counselors and affair recovery coaches believe couples should not waste time in chasing the answer to WHY. However, I strongly disagree with the “ostrich” approach to affair recovery.

As a Clinical Psychology, with a specific niche just in infidelity recovery, I know the importance of processing the WHY. If you do not understand the WHY, how can to you trust that the WHY will not come back again in the future? How can the non-cheater process the “blackhole” called the affair? How can safety be re-established in the relationship if you do not know what to protect? How can the cheater do the personal growth that is 100% required after cheating in their monogamous relationship, if they do not know WHY they did, what they did?


If you would like answers to the Top 5 Affair Recovery QuestionsCLICK HERE

As a reminder:

  • The Facebook Affair & Relationship Support Group is a wonderful place to share your journey, no matter where you areĀ  on that journey. Be you the cheater or non-cheater, you are welcome to share in the group, on this CLOSED Facebook group. This means that no one will be able to read your comments, UNLESS they are group members. NOTE: If you are the “lover” then I do not recommend you join this group. The group is for the relationship couple only please. https://www.facebook.com/groups/SOS.relationshipsupport/