Tag: relationships

Relationships: Never Let Your Past Control Your Future

You generally tend to see people with a filter that you have created for yourself. This filter has been created with your past experiences with that person and your belief systems. If you have had a bad experience with someone, you would create a so called “bad” image of that person in your mind and your future behavior will be dictated by this image that you have created.

Take a scenario where you have just got married and are interacting with your spouse’s family. Your experience with your sister in law may not have been good, because she just said something very insulting. Now you tell your mind that she is a ‘bad’ person and your behavior towards her will be influenced by this image that you have created.

You need to understand that when you interact with this person again, the situations would be different, that person may not have the same thoughts, but yet what remains constant is your behavior towards them, because you do not view them in a good light. This hampers creativity and newness in any relation, because we are carrying the baggage of past experiences and this influences our future.

When we are creating negative thoughts about people, we are emanating a negative energy towards them. Our thoughts travel faster than words, and when this negative energy reaches them continuously, they also start creating similar thoughts for us on a regular basis, because that’s how the universe works. This cycle goes on and on, and even though you may be polite and ‘good’ to the people you hate, your relationship with them will never improve.

You need to know that all of us are continuously evolving and if people  behave badly then it does not mean that they are bad. One technique, to avoid being judgmental, is to separate the ‘action’ from the ‘person who is doing it’. But it requires you to shed your old thoughts, because Unlearning is an important process of Learning. If your cup is already full, then nothing more can be poured in it.What I am telling you now, needs fresh thinking from your side.

You are free to criticize an action that a person is doing, but try avoiding criticizing a person. Why? Because you should know that your original qualities are purity, peace, happiness and the people that you meet, also have these original qualities in them, because all of us are creation of the same God. They may have gone astray from these qualities, so what they deserve is not hate but sympathy.

Even if someone is sending their negative energy towards you; don’t absorb it, but transform it. And you can transform this energy only if you consciously create good thoughts. Have sympathy for them and more than that, have ‘control’ over your thoughts because ‘Whatever you give a person, you experience it first’. If you hate someone, you will experience that hate within you, and this hate is not good for your mind, body and soul. Similarly, if you give love to a person, you will feel this energy of love nourishing your being.

And like I always say, The Choice is Yours!

deepikasharmagrover_1411815277_42Deepika Sharma

I am a passionate writer and an “eternal optimist” who always sees light at the end of the tunnel, come what may!I truly feel, that nothing in life is a co-incidence and every person that we meet and situations that we encounter, are all there for a reason and the reason is to help us learn, grow and evolve.

When I write, I feel an instant connection to the Highest Soul who is the source of love, happiness, peace and all the best things in the world.

I am also an avid reader and have loved reading since the time I was a kid. I still have the old fairy tales with me, which I loved to read, as a kid.For the past five to six years I have been reading books on spirituality and life, as I wanted to get some answers, which I have eventually found, through reading and praying.

I am now on a spiritual journey and have a mission to make people Spiritually aware.

Read more posts by Deepika HERE


The Importance of Affection in Relationship Intimacy

Emotional need of affection

An extended lack of physical affection is also a deeper sign of trouble.

A marriage should have a strong element of intimacy, both in out of the bedroom.

Sex is obviously important as it’s part of the bond that keeps a couple together in a romantic sense. However, intimacy also means being physically close in non-sexual ways, such as hugging, exchanging a kiss before going to work (or coming home), or putting your arms around your spouse while watching a movie at home.

It’s important to make sure you stay connected not just on an emotional level, but also on a physical one. Expressing your love through words is definitely vital to the health of your marriage, but you should also express yourself through touch. Being tactile with your partner on a consistent basis is must. There are plenty of opportunities for you to introduce touch into your daily routine, so the trick is to take advantage of these when they come up.

Find a reason to give your spouse a brief hug, hold their hand while you’re walking out in public, or give them a kiss before they head out the door. It might seem that these “little” moments don’t mean much on their own, but you have to look at the big picture – they count for a lot in the long run.

reboot your relationship

Most couples wait too long before admitting their relationship is in hot water. Try the Emotional Needs Questionaire in our latest book Reboot Your Relationship to discover each others emotional needs. Then make a few changes in your relationship to ensure your relationship stays fresh and emotionally connected.

Example: From the book’s ENQ Couple Survey

Question #1 Affection:

(the expression of love in words, cards, gifts, hugs, kisses, and courtesies; creating an environment that clearly and repeatedly expresses love)

1. Need for affection: Indicate how much you need affection by circling the appropriate number:


0              1               2               3               4              5                6

I have no need             I have moderate need              I have a great need


How often would you like your spouse to be affectionate to you?

_______________ times each day/week/month (circle one).


If you are not shown affection by your spouse as often as you indicated above, how does it make you feel (circle the appropriate letter)?

  1. Very unhappy.
  2. Somewhat unhappy.
  3. Neither happy nor unhappy.
  4. Happy not to be shown affection.


2. Evaluation of spouse’s affection: Indicate your satisfaction with your spouse’s affection toward you by circling the appropriate number.


-3                 -2                -1                0              1              2                  3

Extremely Dissatisfied            Neither                       Extremely Satisfied


My spouse gives me (circle the appropriate letter)

  1. all the affection I need, and I like the way he/she does it.
  2. not enough affection, but when he/she does it, it is the way I like it.
  3. all the affection I need, but it is not the way I like it.
  4. not enough affection, and when he/she tries, it is not the way I like it.


Explain how your need for affection could be better satisfied in your marriage.



exit affair

The Exit Affair

exit affair

The Exit Affair


Out The Door Affair



Finally it’s my turn



Exiters are Conflict Avoiders at heart, but they take it further. One spouse has already decided to leave the marriage and the affair provides the justification. The other partner usually blames the affair rather than looking at how their marriage got to this point.


  • The relationship had underlying tension and resentment building up for years (perhaps starting before their wedding)
  • They are either unwilling to meet each other’s needs, or unwilling to talk about meeting each others needs.
  • The lack of conflict, is often misinterpreted as a sign “all is fine”
  • Leaving the relationship is often surrounded in guilt, however staying in the relationship would be unbearable.
  • The relationship with the lover would typically only last as long as the pain of leaving the relationship. The cheater will often spend many years by themselves avoiding commitment and “entrapment.”

Why the affair happened

This type of affair is usually the outcome of the 20 year train of thought based on some marker:
– The kids leaving home
– The end of a career
– end of government service

The affair is actually initiated years earlier in the mind of the infidel, and the marriage relationship is maintained and tolerated by the infidel on the basis of the future plan.

By the time the infidel is ready to leave the infidel often say “I’ve toyed with this idea for many years and I finally decided to do it”

Advice for the Betrayed Spouse

It is best to recognize this for what it is, handle the reality of loss, and build a new life.

– Recovery Potential: Unlikely

– Affair Reason: Loss of self


Recovery Tips:

– As the unfaithful spouse has been planning an exit for some time, this partner is less likely to want to work on the relationship. If he/she does enter counseling, the reason is guilt rather than desire.

– Time and space are needed for personal growth. After this time, the unfaithful partner may wish to return to the marriage and work on a recovery. This can take up to two years.

– Work on your communication and conflict resolution skills, to keep the relationship respectful and the friendship in place.

How to make friends (again) when you are single

making friends when you are single

Summer is the warmest of the seasons. The days are longest, the nights are shortest. Parks and beaches are full of life; the air is thick with possibility.

After a relationship, you may feel lonely and uncertain about what to do with this extra daylight. You may have relied on your ex for companionship and find yourself a single in a world dominated by couples and groups.

But you can use summer to your advantage: talking to strangers and making new friends. During summer people are so much more relaxed. It’s a great time to make new friends. Strangers are simply people you do not know yet. They are just like you and me, and much easier to talk to than most people think.

The key to having a great conversation, is not to treat a stranger like they are your best friend. Be interested in them. Ask them questions, but do not be intrusive. Do not touch or hug people. You could give the wrong message about your intent – and you know nothing about the strangers past (fears, relationship status, likes & dislikes etc)

Be positive, open and quick to smile. Smiling will get you anywhere.


When starting a conversation, use any one of the following:

Comment or ask a question about a book or magazine they may be reading, or something they are doing.

“Oh, I’ve heard about that book. How is it?”

Compliment them on something they are wearing.

“Great shoes! Are they comfortable?”

Remember that the past is in the past.

“You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.”
Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures bristling with prejudice and motivated by pride and vanity.”
Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People


5 Tips for Talking To Strangers


1. Smile

Research tells us that smiling signals openness. When you smile at others, you send a signal that displays a friendly intention. People are more likely to talk to someone who smiles at them.

2. Be genuine

Just be yourself. Relax and express who you are. You will find the people you enjoy the most are the ones who enjoy you too.

3. Listen

Show active interest in what the other person is saying. Ask follow up or clarifying questions. “What was your favorite part?”

4. Ask open ended questions

Allow people the opportunity to elaborate on their experience. If asking about a TV show or book, be sure to ask about favorite or interesting elements.

5. Have fun

If you aren’t having fun, neither will the other person. Keep smiling, have an open stance and keep the conversation light as a summer breeze.

If you are new to the dating world again, or have been too busy to date in awhile and you need some current advice, come and see Savannah for a few coaching sessions. Once you have personalized coaching advice, you will see the world in a completely different way. 

Make an online appointment HERE

reboot your relationship

What Makes A Great Relationship?




What Makes A Great Relationship?


Hi Savannah,

Craig and I have attended one of your Prepare Enrich Seminars, and plan to marry next fall. Could you tell us what makes a marriage last?


Susan, Sydney.


Hi Susan,

Thank you for following up with me on Q & A.

There are thousands of studies and reports on the elements of great relationships and marriages. The similarities between many of these studies have shown people in a great relationships have completed a number of psychological “tasks.”

Here is a summary:

Separate emotionally from the family you grew up in: Not to the point of estrangement, but enough so that your identity is separate from that of your parents and siblings. After all, you should be closer to your spouse than you ever could or should be to any other member of your family.

Build togetherness based on a shared intimacy and identity, while at the same time set boundaries to protect each partner’s autonomy: A couple should almost be as one, a single unit, but at the same time one is not a clone of the other.

Establish a rich and pleasurable sexual relationship and protect it from the intrusions of the workplace and family obligations: That connection you have with one another is part emotional and part physical; one failing will affect the other and thence the couple as a whole. Keep it safe in its own special place. When having that intimate encounter, make sure no distractions from home or work will intrude. After all, if you decide to cut it short because the boss called with something “urgent” that really could have waited an extra hour, whom do you think your wife is going to blame; the boss or you?

For couples with children, embrace the daunting roles of parenthood and absorb the impact of a baby’s entrance into the marriage: Parenthood should not be considered an inconvenience intruding into your relationship, but rather a physical manifestation of the love the two of you share for one another. Every time you look at that baby, you should be reminded of the one who helped you make it.

Learn to continue the work of protecting the privacy of you and your spouse as a couple: What goes on between you and your partner, for good and for bad, is really no on else’s business but your own. Others need to respect that boundary and keep their meddling noses out, including parents. Many a good marriage has been ruined by the well-intentioned interference of in-laws.

Confront and master the inevitable crises of life: As the saying goes (to paraphrase), stuff happens. The trick is not to run from the problems that arise, but to confront and solve these problems… together.

Maintain the strength of the marital bond in the face of adversity: No matter what, that bond the two of you share should be the strongest thing in your Universe. Your home could be flooded, your kids near death, and your dog run over by a train, but you should still be there for one another even in the worst of it all. A house divided cannot stand, and neither can a couple divided.Reboot Your Relationship

The marriage should be a safe haven in which partners are able to express their differences, anger and conflict: A good marriage is one in which both people feel they can express any grievances they have against one another, discuss and argue them through to resolution, and yet know that they will still be there for one another, still love each other, after all is said and done. It’s like the old comic scene in which a couple is arguing rather loudly, someone else comes in to intrude with his two cents worth, then as one the couple turns and shouts at the poor guy, “Shut up, we’re arguing!” It should be that safe.

Use humor and laughter to keep things in perspective and to avoid boredom and isolation: Humor is the cure for all ills. It’s a great means of bringing people together, of allowing you to see a problem for the very minor obstacle that it is, and for reminding people why they got togeth
er in the first place.

Nurture and comfort each other, satisfying each partner’s needs for dependency and offering continuing encouragement and support: Would not your right hand tenderly nurse your left hand when it is cut? You are more than simply two separate people, b
ut this needs to be constantly demonstrated, one to the other. Be there for your mate’s hurts and doubts, but also for their joys and dreams, as the other will in turn be here for yours.

Keep alive the early romantic, idealized images of falling in love, while facing the sober realities of the changes wrought by time: How many times have you seen news reports of old couples married some sixty years and seen that they still have the look of doe-eyed teenagers in their eyes for one another? Enough times to get the point?

You can find more ideas in our Reboot Your Relationship book. I have attached a link to the first chapter.


Best Regards,



To read more about Rebooting your Relationship, you can download the first chapter for FREE CLICK HERE or buy the book CLICK HERE



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