Tag: infidelity

Handling Your Partner’s Anger

How can you cope with an anger partner?

Important relationship advice during affair recovery.

  1. Stay calm – Don’t get into a screaming match. If your partner gets ‘overheated,’ explain that you will be willing to talk with him/her. But, right now, tempers are too high for things to settle. Promise to discuss the issue at a later time when you are both in a calmer state. Pick a specific time to ‘check in’ with each other. Say something like “How about talking tonight when we are both in a calmer space?” or “…when you feel you are ready to talk about it.” I call this withdrawing with reassurance.

Be sure to follow up on your promise. If the other person is still upset when you check in, set up another time to check in. If this keeps happening, then it is clear that you need a third party to help you communicate properly again.

  1. Don’t argue with your partner about his/her feelings.
  2. Listen to what the other person has to say.
  3. Establish what you can legitimately agree with.
  4. Don’t try to justify your action.
  5. Listen. People feel better if they get things off of their chest and feel that someone is listening and acknowledging their feelings.
  6. Really listen to what is making your partner angry and try to identify anger themes.
  7. Don’t patronize your partner.
  8. If the anger is repeated, try to be patient and stay calm. If this behavior constantly repeats itself, then it’s time for a counselor to step in. Family and friends are very important for support, but using them as a referee can have disastrous results. Because handling intense anger in these circumstances can be difficult, you may need to rely on the knowledge and objectivity of an experienced professional.

The way in which two people handle anger and conflict significantly impacts their relationship. Often, they do not know how to successfully argue, or even disagree, and the end result is disastrous.

I hope that the above information has increased your understanding of anger and has given you some tools to start examining your own and your partner’s anger themes.

 

Savannah

 

 

Savannah EllisDBA, MBA, BBSc, MPsych (Clin)


Make an appointment | sav@savannahellis.net | 

Licensed Online Therapy and Counseling

My cheating wife has caused me to be sexually inappropriate

Today in our group, a new member was concerned on why they were becoming sexually inappropriate, after their WIFE CHEATED.
I am posting some of my answer here to help many of you who ask the same question, and feel guilty and ashamed for mirroring similar behavior as your unfaithful partner.

“………..My view on your situation – first, I don’t know your history, however, your wife cheated on you and now and forever more, YOU are MORE likely to be open to cheating on a future partner, UNLESS you recognize your behavioral changes – in which you have (PHEW!).
How can this be (I know many betrayed spouses will be upset to read this), but think about cases such as the school bullie, who is/was beaten and abused at home, or the rapist who was sexually abused by a relative in their childhood. Once you are conditioned or predisposed to a behavior or situation, you can become the “wrong doer.” The simple reason – its protection.
Also, groups(online & offline) by nature bring together a group of people who are going through a similar situation, and through sharing of personal experiences, you can form relationships + you become vulnerable. People are sharing deep and very personal information (and in our group, it’s around infidelity/cheating/sex) – topics that are intense.
For people who have not processed mistakes from the old relationship, and learned new skills for new relationships (such as boundary setting), new “relationships” are formed with the same issues as the old relationship……..”

Have you experienced this situation in group – either you or by someone else? Let me know your opinion below.

 


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Cheating Partners: Beware of All Travel

traveling for work but cheating

Traveling becomes important in an affair because it is the only time when lovers can spend long amounts of time together without interruption. It means they can get out of town and live like a normal couple without the risk of being seen by someone they know.

When a couple is having an affair they can’t spend the night together because the cheater needs to get home to the partner so there is no suspicion. However if they use the excuse of a business trip they can take their time to have proper romance rather than rushing around.

When your partner all of a sudden starts going on ‘business trips’ when they have never needed to before, think back and see if any situations arose at all or think hard to see if you really think their work would require them to go away on business trips at all.

Things start to get really dodgy when your partner explains that they can’t leave a contact phone number of where they are staying because they don’t have anywhere to stay yet.

You shouldn’t take this. If it is important enough to go away for business, then sblake-cheated-on-mirandaomeone should have booked a hotel in advance and sent all the details to your partner.

If there is apparently no phone then this is probably a lie.

Not many companies would put you up in a place where you can’t be reached, particularly if you are there on business. Ring your partners work when they have left and ask if you can have a contact phone number for where your partner is staying. Just say your partner wasn’t sure what it was when they left. Make up a legitimate reason why you need to contact them.

You will find out now whether your partner was telling the truth or not. If he/she hasn’t even gone on a business trip you will know now. But still use the reason for why you rang their work. If your partner is legitimately away, still ring to check they are okay and by themselves.

When your partner doesn’t bother to invite you anymore to business functions where you used to accompany them before, chances are they have other company. They may start to say that you will get bored or that they will be working the whole time and won’t have time to spend with you. But what about the business trips before, it was alright for you to go along then and make your own fun, what’s changed since then? You should always make the most of opportunities to be with your partner. If you aren’t able to anymore, you should ask why.

How do they get to the airport or get home from the airport?

When you offer to pick your partner up or drop them off and they don’t want you to, you should ask why. It may be because they are meeting their lover and they will be excited to get away. If you are there they won’t get to meet up with each other till they get to their destination.

They may even be going to a different destination than what they said. If your partner says they are going somewhere, you may want to check what sort of clothes they are packing. Check that the clothes they have packed are appropriate to what they are doing on this trip.

If you have children now, then this is the perfect excuse. The dutiful wife stays home to look after the family. Especially of the children are school age and they have their after school and weekend activities which cannot be interrupted.

However, I cannot stress enough the importance of strong communication.

Tell you partner that you would like to know where he is staying, and say you would like a “date call” or “talk dirty” at 9pm. Don’t forget, that most men stray because they are not getting the attention they need at home. Regardless if there are children that need taking care of, and you feel exhausted at the end of the day. He will be flirting at dinner or at the bar, if he feels like you are not there for him.

It is also difficult to track your partner if he is the owner of their own business. Sometimes the secretary will make the bookings, but not always. Men at this level, and typically men on an income bracket over $300,000 cheat 32% more than men who earn less than this amount. Men that have “cash” businesses can more easily get away with paying for hotels, gifts, dinners, and prostitutes as there is no paper trail. These are the men our female private investigators mostly track.

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Case Study from a Las Vegas Private Investigation Company

In a recent private investigation, we were given the case of a business owner who has five large scale lighting companies. This partner was mid forties, good looking, and very down to earth. The wife was feeling suspicious of his travel to the family condo in Las Vegas. The family home is on a ranch outside of a large city. But they have a beautiful condo in Las Vegas which he stays at on business trips. Through our online investigations, we found his online name and tracked him to a millionaire dating site. There our beautiful decoy made arrangements to meet him for drinks and see what he would do. They shared a bottle of wine, and he told the story of his 11 year happy marriage to a beautiful wife and three wonderful children. He said their love life was amazing, his wife was kind and sweet, and she was perfect in every way. When she asked him why was he seeking the attention of other women, he said he wanted variety. That’s all – variety.

He said this was not the first “arrangement” he has had. Previously he had an eight month relationship with another lady. He paid her $2500 per month, and she traveled with him around the country on his business trips. He covered the costs of all accommodation and travel expenses. After the wine, he asked the decoy back to his condo, where he could talk about the “arrangement”. He offered our decoy the same arrangement via text message. This information was conveyed to our client, with assistance on how to deal with the information at hand, how to approach him with the evidence, and to think about the exit plan before taking any action.

When your spouse insists on calling you instead of you calling them, it can sometimes indicate that they are up to no good. If your partner calls you it means you don’t have to call them so their time will never be interrupted. When they call they might not have anything to say. You would think they would call when something exciting happened. Also your spouse might be quite vague about what they are getting up to on their trip and end the conversation quickly. Their good-bye will be quite empty too. An easy way to combat this is to ring them yourself, maybe once or twice during their trip, during the evening, to see how they are doing.

Perhaps your partner starts going on more trips with their friends but are pretty vague or secretive about the trip. They may be meeting their lover thinking their friends will cover for them. Or it may be a trip where they plan to meet someone to have a holiday fling with.

In one Private Investigation, Spy Girl Online Private Investigators were sent on a Luxury Cruise Ship to conduct surveillance on a female client’s Fiancé who had decided to take a holiday with his three friends before he got married. Our Operatives posed as holiday makers onboard the ship whilst keeping a close eye on the subject. The private investigators were able to obtain footage with concealed cameras which revealed the subject cheating on the female client with various other men onboard the ship. This footage and other evidence provided the client with the information she needed to call off the wedding and save herself the turmoil she would experience further down the track, if she was to discover this characteristic about her partner after they were married.

Planning trips with friends so far in advance gives your partner a good alibi. They may talk about the coming trip a lot because they are excited about being with their partner. When they talk about it they may substitute their lover with their friends. A friend of your partner may be in on it to cover up for them even if they aren’t going. They may even talk about it lots around you but never around their friends they are supposedly going with. If their friend’s men don’t know anything about the trip then they are lying.

Insisting that you take more trips with your friends leaves time for your partner to spend time with their lover. If they suggest it but don’t show any interest in your trip, then they are doing it for their own benefit rather than a nice idea for you. If you do take a trip with your friends ring home a few times when you know they should be there. You should know what your partner’s plans are for the time you are away. If your partner is out and gives an excuse, check their alibi.


catch a partner cheatingSavannah Ellis & Jessica London will share with you the best methods and techniques to catch your partner Cheating, Spying or Lying.

There is no excuse to stay in the dark. The truth is there for you to see. You just have to learn how to look for the evidence and then know how to take action on what you find.

Many people will find nothing after investigation – We will share with you what to do if your evidence is inconclusive or non-existent.

Some people will find there partner is cheating – We tell you what steps you will need to take to ensure your future is secure.

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The Difference between Acceptance and Forgiveness

Our culture places a great deal of value on the idea of forgiveness. In some part, this is done without thinking about what forgiveness might mean in extreme situations like the one you have been in.

There are all kinds of culturally defined connotations to the idea of forgiveness. Many of them are reflected in the way we colloquially talk about forgiveness. You might hear phrases like “to forgive is divine” or “just forgive and forget.” Ultimately, you could be confused about what it means to forgive. It could seem that you aren’t ready to forgive your partner if these ideas are tied to the act of forgiving.

The truth is that while we use the term forgiveness quite often in our everyday language, we do so loosely. The idea of forgiveness is actually fairly poorly defined.

What does it mean to forgive someone?

Does it mean that you forget what has happened?

Does it mean that you understand why they did what they did?

Does it mean that you are in a position to absolve them of their crimes?

Does it mean something else entirely?Affair recovery www.savannahellis.net

Many volumes have been written on forgiveness, and no two definitions seem to match very well. At best, we could say that a person’s understanding of what it means to forgive comes entirely from them. It is very difficult to generalize about what it means to forgive.

If you feel like you have a good understanding of what forgiveness means for you and you feel like you are ready to forgive your partner in order to move on, by all means do so. I do not discourage people from the idea of forgiving their partners. I am sure it is a very healing experience. But the truth is that most people don’t have a particularly clear idea of what it means to forgive.

It is also true that you don’t have to forgive your partner in order to move on with your life and create a beautiful relationship together. You can do that with acceptance. We have already defined what acceptance is at this point. Essentially, it is coming to terms with that which you cannot change. This is very different from the standard ideas of forgiveness in a number of ways.

Acceptance does not mean that you have to forget the affair. It does not mean that you divinely overcome the pain you are feeling. It does not mean that you let your partner off the hook or that you absolve them of guilt. Acceptance does not carry with it any of the more abstract and difficult components that forgiveness carries. Instead, acceptance simply means that you accept what has happened as an unchangeable event and, at the same time, move forward in a positive direction toward a better life together.

In order to make sure that there is no misunderstanding about what I mean by acceptance, let’s investigate the five myths that surround acceptance.

The Five Myths that Surround Acceptance

Unfortunately, most people in our culture have the wrong idea about what acceptance means. There are five primary myths that abound. I would like to describe each myth for you, and then tell you why it is a myth.

Acceptance Myth #1: Acceptance Can Happen All at Once

This is the #1 myth about acceptance because it is totally unfounded. Like so many other types of magical thinking (some of which have been addressed in this course), people tend to believe that acceptance is black and white, a switch of some kind that you either turn on or leave off.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Even if you wake up one day and say to yourself, “I am ready to accept the past and move on,” it is the result of an accumulation of small changes occurring over time. You might notice one day that the affair has less immediate impact on your life and that slowly you are beginning to accept it. Or perhaps you are thinking about your situation and realize in retrospect that you have been paying less and less attention to the affair and more and more attention to the future with your partner.

Acceptance is a process. It can fade in and out for you over a period of time. There might be days when you feel you are really moving forward, and there might be days when you feel you are drowning in your emotions about the affair. This process is natural. Acceptance typically takes time.

Fortunate or unfortunate as it might be, human beings are much more complicated than a simple light switch. We are not robots who can turn emotions on or off with a switch.

Even if this were possible, it wouldn’t be a final solution to all the difficulties inherent in an intimate relationship. People make mistakes in judgment. There will undoubtedly be other things your partner will do that will hurt your feelings, perhaps in ways that are difficult to come to terms with.

A long-term or life-long relationship means that you are in it together through thick and thin. Being in a relationship means that you offer to be emotionally present to own up to the wrong things you do and your errors in judgment that end up hurting the one you love. It could be either one of you on the hurting end of this equation, and your commitment needs to be to stay together and work it out within the relationship to create an even stronger bond in the long run. Surviving these hurtful times without bringing up the “D-word” (divorce) and without demeaning or disrespecting your partner builds trust in each other and in your commitment to grow old together.

The need to accept again and again is inherent in any relationship. It is particularly necessary in intimate relationships where the softer, more vulnerable parts of you are opened up and shared with another. Inevitably, your partner will step on your delicate feelings. You need to learn to accept their mistakes authentically to keep the relationship alive and thriving. In other words, don’t sweat the small stuff.

Acceptance Myth #2: Once You Accept the Affair, Positive Feelings Will Replace the Negative Feelings You Once Had

Many people have the mistaken notion that if they can accept the past it will be like taking some sort of magical potion that will replace all of their negative feelings with lighter, more positive ones. This isn’t the case.

Accepting the affair will not undo the hurt your partner caused you. It can’t, and it isn’t about that. Accepting the affair is a way of saying that you have opened your heart to your partner again, that you are ready to leave the past behind, and that you want to move forward with your relationship. Do not allow yourself to get fooled into believing this means the past has been obliterated. The idea of acceptance is predicated on the fact that the past has happened and, in fact, cannot be undone. After all, if you could change it, wouldn’t you?

At this point in the program you should have a sense that your relationship is growing into something new and fresh. It should be different and better than it was before. Ironically, it is your past that has allowed that to happen. An affair isn’t good in any sense. But it can be used as a stepping stone; you can rise above it to make your relationship better than it ever has been, if both of you are working hard at reestablishing your relationship the way I have been describing in this course.

Negative emotions are useful to us. They tell us that something is wrong and that we need to change something in our lives. In the case of an affair, the negative feelings that you both faced over the course of this course have allowed you to realize that you want to move forward together toward a better more fulfilling relationship.

Accepting isn’t about eliminating these negative feelings; it’s about using them to your benefit. It offers a method for you to use the terrible negative event that has happened in a positive way.

Don’t worry if you still have negative feelings about the affair. Let those negative feelings operate as a reminder that you are committed to accepting your partner everyday. Accept the past again when the negative feelings come up. In this way, you are putting those difficult emotions to good use. As difficult and painful as it might be to do in the short-run, when the cheater helps the injured work through the bad feelings by active listening and understanding it helps heal the relationship in the long-run. Through active listening, understanding, and taking the “hit” for guilty actions, the cheater begins to demonstrate that they are on the injured person’s side, sharing together an understanding of how awfully the cheater acted in the past (the “old” version of the person who cheated.)

Acceptance Myth #3: Accepting the Affair Means You Were Wrong to Have Had Such a Strong Reaction to It in the First Place

Acceptance is sometimes associated with an admission of guilt or the idea that you somehow weren’t justified in what you were thinking or feeling. This also is an absolute falsehood. You had and have every right to think and feel your thoughts and feelings about the affair. Accepting it does not mean that you now need to recant and say that these thoughts and feelings were wrong.

Don’t feel like you have to rationalize your thoughts about the affair or your need to accept it and move on. This is about the two of you as a couple. In your heart you know what’s right for you. Remember to protect yourself by waiting until you can authentically accept (not agree with or like) the affair as part of your history. Follow your heart’s voice.

Acceptance Myth #4: Accepting the Affair Means Your Partner Is off the Hook

At the beginning of this section, we read about Christine’s concern that Craig might think he was off the hook if Christine told him she was ready to accept the affair and move forward with their relationship. Many people have this concern. What’s worse is that some cheating partner’s seem to think this is true.

Neither you nor your partner should make any mistake about this point: acceptance does not mean that you are releasing your partner from the responsibility they carry for what they’ve done. They are not off the hook. In fact, it is only when your partner shows you that they understand what they have done and are ready to own their responsibility in it that you will be ready to accept the affair and move forward.

Acceptance means you are able to accept the fact that the affair took place and continue to do the work necessary to heal your relationship. Carrying on in this matter means that both of you need to take responsibility for your relationship and what you have done in and to your relationship.

This means that the cheater is not off the hook.

In fact, they are never going to be relieved of their responsibility for the affair. They will have to continue to bear that burden.

Nonetheless, acceptance might come with a sense of relief for both partners. Realizing that you are willing to let go of the past a little bit and move forward with your life can be a breath of fresh air. Let it be that.

Acceptance Myth #5: Accepting the Affair Does Not Mean Forgetting about It

Though it might be true that you are ready to move on, accepting the affair does not mean that you need to forget that it happened. On the contrary, I encourage you not to forget about it completely so you can keep some perspective on how far you have come, as well as the road that lies ahead.

This also doesn’t mean that you need to dwell on it night and day if you feel that you are ready to move beyond that. Accepting the affair without forgetting means that, eventually, it won’t play a role in your day-to-day existence. In some ways, if you have been following my plan, you will probably start getting closer to the life you were living before the affair, but with more openness and honesty.

But you don’t want to forget the progress you’ve made either. Try to strike your own balance between remembering how far you have come down this path and letting go of your daily memories of the affair.

forgiveness

 

Is forgiveness preventing you from moving forward?

Are you struggling with your decision on if you should forgive after the affair? Try asking yourself some of these questions, and answer them aloud to yourself.

Questions include:

  • Why can’t I move forward? What is holding me back?
  • What could my partner say, to help me process this feeling?
  • What could my partner do, to help me process this feeling?
  • What are the risks of forgiving or accepting?
  • What are the benefits of forgiving or accepting?
  • What has your partner done so far to help you process the affair?
  • What will you do to overcome these barriers?
  • What are the potential risks and benefits of letting go of your hurt or anger?
  • What strategy do you have if you cannot overcome the barrier? Eg you can’t stop dwelling on xyz…what will you do?

Perhaps you can think of a few other questions to ask yourself to help you process your feelings. Make sure you share your “self questions” with others by typing them in the comments section below.

http://savannahellis.net/affair-recovery-course-2/

Best wishes on your affair recovery journey,

Dr. Savannah Ellis

Founder of The Infidelity Recovery Institute

www.infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com

 

SOURCE: This article was part of the Infidelity Recovery Course, Part 6: Acceptance V Forgiveness. Available online. CLICK HERE

 

Los Angeles: 5 steps you should take to protect your relationship from infidelity

Cheating Map us

When I first decided to start an Infidelity Recovery Clinic in Las Vegas, people would say, “Las Vegas! Sin City! That town is full of strippers, cheats, and immoral people. You will be so busy in that town.”

Of course what people don’t think about is that the Las Vegas Strip is the destination city for over 40,000,000 people per year from around the world. People from other USA cities come to Vegas to have a good time, attend conferences, and some, statistically, will be unfaithful!

I will be the first to defend Las Vegas families and say that cheating happens in every city and in every country. In fact, I have found that couples from Las Vegas fight harder to save their relationships after an affair, to keep the family together, and provide a stable and loving home for their children. More so than other cities I have worked in such as San Francisco, L.A, and Sydney.

Last year, in the Las Vegas clinic, I had a popular lawyer come in to the clinic with his wife, and tell me he wanted couple counseling, to prevent the relationship from temptation. “What can we do to ensure we can protect our relationship from infidelity”, he said. Both husband and wife were good looking and intelligent people, however, they knew that once they started to “admire” the looks of other people, the relationship is in trouble.

So what type of person cheats in their marriage? With an estimated 57 percent of men and 54 percent of women cheating on their partners at some point in their relationships, it’s safe to say we can do a better job protecting our partnerships from infidelity. Ashley Madison, the website that encourages affairs, has done extensive research in the most unfaithful USA towns. Guess what? Las Vegas is not even in the Top 10 towns for cheaters!

BTW – I personally think sites like Ashley Madison should be shut down, because of the effect it has on weak and misguided people e.g. “Most of society”. If we can ban smoking and drinking advertisement during certain times because greater society knows that people are weak and vulnerable, powerless to suggestion, then why not ban sites that encourage married people from being unfaithful. I am passionate about this point because I know that good people make the mistake of having an affair, and it destroys their life and that of their family. It is totally preventable by learning HOW to prevent affairs, and HOW to protect a marriage. With each generation, more people are desensitized to divorce and cheating. People may find it wrong to cheat – 91%, but more than 1/2 the population has admitted to cheating on their spouse. People need to be coached, to be the best they can be in their marriage.

I opened my new clinic in Los Angeles, California, in Santa Monica. Will I be busy in Santa Monica? If we look at the map again, we will find Los Angeles is ranked 5th in the USA for cheaters. I can see why already. This town prides itself on its “fast pace, sexy people, international flavour, entertainment industry darlings, the latest & greatest.”

First and foremost, it’s important that we’re honest with ourselves about the power and influence of sexual temptation. Unfortunately, everyone seems to think they’re invincible when it comes to being able to avoid it, but let’s be real with ourselves — we’re all weak when it comes to sex. It’s natural. To pretend otherwise is why the excuse “one thing led to another…” is so popular.

We see it all the time. Even some of our most important spiritual leaders have fallen victim to sexual temptations, so what makes us think we’re any stronger? We must stop lying to ourselves. We all need explicit boundaries in place to keep us from becoming that next statistic — especially since so much infidelity begins with positive and innocent intentions.

Here are five steps you should take to protect your relationship from infidelity:

1. Be honest with yourself about your weaknesses.

When are you vulnerable when it comes to sexual temptations? Maybe it’s physical touch or pornography or an inappropriate emotional connection with a friend of the opposite sex. Regardless, you need to be completely and explicitly honest about your weaknesses with yourself. We fail not when we’re strong but when we’re at our weakest.
2. Discuss your boundaries.

What good is acknowledging your weaknesses without creating boundaries to help you avoid them? While you’re being thorough about where these temptations typically occur, ask yourself what boundaries you can put in place to steer clear. Share these with your partner so you’re on the same page with what you can expect from each other.
3. Avoid tempting situations, not the temptations themselves.

Stop playing with fire! I always say, if we can avoid that “one thing,” we don’t give ourselves the opportunity for it to “lead to another.” Be proactive.
4. Talk to friends who can hold you accountable.

Accountability is so underrated when it comes to relationships. Fellas, which of your boys can you trust to keep you on your game when you’re struggling? Ladies, which of your friends is ideal to have on speed dial when you need the support? Make sure they have your best interest and your relationship in mind, and reach out when you feel weak.
5. Make better choices.

At the end of the day, you simply must be mindful of the choices you’re making and the repercussions they have on you and your relationship. Make better choices and you’ll get better results.

 

If you value your relationship, take these steps today. Like, right now. Don’t wait until problems arise to address this issue.

It’s normal to feel like you don’t need to create and enforce boundaries — and a lot of people don’t — at least, not until it’s too late. Don’t wait until you hit the iceberg to take preventive measures to protect your partnership. Ask any couple that’s ever experienced infidelity and they’ll tell you the same thing.

Making these steps a habit will continue to reap trust, loyalty and faithfulness long into your relationship.

Remember, love always protects.

savsign

Affair Recovery Advice for the Unfaithful partner & for Affair Prevention.
Affair Recovery Advice for the Unfaithful partner & for Affair Prevention.

Psychologist, relationship coach and founder of The Infidelity Recovery Institute. | The worlds Premiere Infidelity Recovery Prevention & Recovery coach, Savannah Ellis is on a mission to help unmarried, married, and millennial couples build the most strong and healthy relationships possible. For more on relationship tips and advice, couples events and private coaching opportunities, visit savannahellis.net

Santa Monica, California, USA 1640 5th Street, Suite 201, Santa Monica, California 90401 Questions: (415) 877-4004

 

 

 

Santa Monica, California, USA

1640 5th Street, Suite 201, Santa Monica, California 90401

Questions: (415) 877-4004

Las Vegas, Nevada, USA

2831 St Rose Pkwy #200, Henderson, NV 89052

Office: (702) 818-1000

Questions: (415) 877-4004

Sydney, Australia

Questions: (02) 8003-7050

 

Santa Monica, California, USA 1640 5th Street, Suite 201, Santa Monica, California 90401 Questions: (415) 877-4004Las Vegas, Nevada, USA 2831 St Rose Pkwy #200, Henderson, NV 89052
Office: (702) 818-1000 Questions: (415) 877-4004
Sydney, Australia Questions: (02) 8003-7050
Do you have a question? Ask via Skype. Skype   Savannahsb – See more at: http://infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com/contact-us/#sthash.ZJESJYu5.dpuf

You don’t touch anymore?

Relationship Affection

This is a question I often ask couples. They respond with a surprised, and sometimes embarrassed look, before the automatic response of excuses start….

“The Kids….”
“Not enough time….”
“I am exhausted after work….”
“She/He knows that I love her/him….”

You can think of at least 20 quite reasonable excuses for why you just don’t touch each other anymore, but the fact remains that if you have stopped being affectionate, your relationship is not healthy.

This isn’t about sex, this is about shared touch and affection.

If you’re not doing it, your relationship is in trouble.

One of you will eventually crave it and look elsewhere or announce they want to look elsewhere.

Believe me, as the Infidelity Recovery Expert who spends all day with couples just like you, that if your relationship fits this description…..I may be seeing you soon!

Live with Love,

savsign

Is my partner cheating on Dating sites?

Cheating_Partners_using_Dating_Sites

The number of people supposedly in committed monogamous relationships, who are creating secret dating site profiles, to allow them to meet people on dating or social media sites is on the increase. The problem is that with so many dating sites available (there seems to be a different one popping up every five minutes), the likelihood of catching your partner cheating on line is becoming less and less likely. By changing just a few details and maybe using somebody else’s photograph, or no photograph at all, finding out the truth as to whether your partner is being unfaithful on a dating site by searching through sites is almost impossible.

It is probable that a large number of individuals who are being cheated on by unfaithful partners fail to realise that they may not be the only victim of their partner’s infidelity through online sites. Men and women on dating sites frequently encounter (and sometimes even fall in love with) someone who could be considered a suitable companion or even their future life partner, but who, unknown to them, are already married or for other reasons are emotionally unavailable. More and more of these individuals are checking out the person they have met, prior to getting too involved with that person. Some are making the wise decision of registering the person with an online cheater checking service.

If you think your partner may secretly be on dating sites and cheating on you, register them with FidelityCheckOnline.com; they will search their data base and inform you within 24 hours if they are matched with somebody else who has registered their partner/potential partner. The sites investigators will continue to monitor the details of your registered person every 24 hours, to ascertain if new people registered are a match and are linked via a romantic relationship with someone else. If the sites investigators find evidence of cheating or infidelity, they inform their clients discreetly and confidentially through the site.

What people do with that information is a matter for the individuals concerned. If both parties so wish, the site investigators can even put cheated parties in contact with each other, so they can confirm the match and compare experiences.

Registering your partner is safe, secure and simple; they will never know they have been registered, under investigation or being monitored at any point in the process.

NB: Research involving more than one million online dating profiles partly financed by the National Science Foundation found that 81% of people misrepresent their height, weight age or marital status, in their profiles.

Another survey indicated that 1 in 10 dating site profiles is completely fake and was romance scams designed, ultimately, to obtain money or sensitive personal information from their victims to commit identity fraud or deception.

FidelityCheckOnlne.com is operated by trusted ex London Scotland Yard detectives trained in the investigation of fraud and infidelity

By Guest Blogger : Kim Tuffin

 

 

 

Affairs and Infidelity

“Human beings disappoint, fail, and hurt each other,
even those we love with all our hearts.”

— Sarah Ban Breathnach

Woman Looking at Reflection

If you’ve been betrayed, the discovery of an affair can be one of the most devastating experiences of your life. Even if you’ve suspected your partner’s been unfaithful, you may feel utter disbelief and shock when it’s confirmed.

Usually, there’s an initial flood of intense feelings such as hurt, rage, jealousy, fear, humiliation, confusion and deep grief. You may feel as if your entire world has been shattered, that everything is strangely surreal. Your nervous system may go into “high alert” making it hard to sleep, eat, think or function. As acutely painful as it is, you may also feel profound relief. You now know the truth. You’re not crazy.

If you’ve been unfaithful, and your partner has discovered the affair, you will also probably be overwhelmed with feelings. You may feel guilty, remorseful, confused, frightened, defensive or ashamed. If the discovery took place some time ago and the two of you are attempting to pick up the pieces, you may feel frustrated, impatient, discouraged and even angry with how long it’s taking to restore trust and connection.

These powerful and overwhelming feelings may last for many months or longer if the trauma and anguish that accompany an affair are not worked through and allowed to heal. Rebuilding trust, honesty and closeness and healing the trauma of the affair can be a long and challenging process. Without question, it may be the hardest thing you’ll each ever have to do. Some couples do not recover. Many couples do. In fact, many couples say–despite the emotional pain and upheaval–the affair dramatically transformed their relationship for the better.

Whether you’re married or unmarried and you’ve been betrayed or you’ve been unfaithful, therapy can be a crucial part of the recovery process. In a safe, non-judgmental environment I provide therapy for both individuals and couples who are at the pre- or post-discovery stages of an affair.

Individual and couples therapy can be important and helpful in the following ways:

– Affairs are overwhelming. Therapy establishes a calm, safe setting in which to cope with and process the flood of feelings related to the initial or prolonged impact of an affair.
– Affairs are confusing. “How could this happen?” is a common question. Therapy can help you better understand a multitude of factors that may have contributed to the infidelity.
– Affairs are traumatizing. Therapy provides support and resources to help the betrayed partner manage post-traumatic stress reactions they may be having. These may include: obsessions, flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, agitation, hypervigilance or a startle response.
– Affairs are disruptive and life-altering. Therapy can help you make thoughtful choices and decisions about how to move forward after an affair. Divorce or ending your relationship is not inevitable. Couples, nevertheless, may experience dramatic life changes such as a temporary separation, a partner entering treatment for an addiction or the unfaithful partner quitting a job where the affair took place, etc.
– Affairs affect many people. Therapy can help you sort through who, how and whether to tell certain friends and family members about your situation.
– Affairs are an opportunity. Though extremely difficult and painful, an affair can be a “wakeup call” to help you re-examine and greatly improve your relationship. Therapy can help you learn and grow through the recovery process. You will develop practical and compassionate communication skills to cultivate more honesty, intimacy and trust. Authentic communication is essential in healing from an affair and in preventing future infidelities.

If you’re interested in couples or individual therapy to assist you through this challenging time, please feel free to contact me to schedule a free half-hour phone consultation or to schedule an appointment. You may email me using the link

There is hope. With time, healing can and does occur.

Why Do Men Cheat?

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Why Do Men Cheat?

To be honest, both men and women cheat.  But with that said, men are more likely than women to cheat and there are some differences between the sexes when it comes to cheating.

In order to understand why men cheat, it helps to understand what causes both men and women to be unfaithful.

Why do both men and women cheat?

The science of cheating is clear on this point: Roughly 3% of all mammals, including humans, practice what is called pair bonding or monogamous mating.  However, even within the 3% of mammals that practice monogamy, very few species, including humans, are truly monogamous (see, Barash & Lipton).  In fact, when it comes to both men and women, monogamy is not our natural sexual strategy (see, Barash & Lipton and Ryan & Jetha).

To make a long story short, for millions of years, the desire to mate with multiple partners was a useful reproductive strategy.  Men and women, who had multiple partners, likely produced more offspring than people who were faithful to a single mate.  Cheating was a strategy to increase reproductive success and diversify risk.  Or think about it this way: investing in a mutual fund (multiple stocks) is, on average, a better financial strategy than putting all of your resources into a single stock.

Because a multiple partner approach was a better reproductive strategy than monogamy, men and women living today are the descendants of people, who had the desire to have sex with more than one person over the course of their lifespan.  Simply put, we have inherited this trait from our ancestors – it is a part of our human nature.  This does not mean that everyone will cheat on a partner or that people are fully aware of their unconscious sexual desires.

How are men and women different when it comes to cheating?

While both men and women cheat, there are important sex differences when it comes to cheating.  The sex differences that influence cheating are based on two basic biological differences between men and women

First, men and women differ when it comes to eggs and sperm.  Men can produce hundreds of millions of sperm per day.  By comparison, women are born with a million or so eggs, but only a fraction, roughly one egg released every 28 days over a short period of time – from puberty to menopause – has the potential to create life.  Simply stated, women have about 400 viable eggs to use (and taking into account gestation, only about 20 actual opportunities to reproduce), while men are capable of fathering an unlimited number of children.

The second basic biological difference deals with gestation.  Embryos grow and develop in women, not men.  For men, reproduction can literally take just a few minutes of effort; while for women it involves, at the very least, a nine-month process.

From a biological point of view, men can constantly and quickly engage in reproduction while women are much more limited in their ability to do so.

These biological differences influenced our psychological desires before the invention of modern forms of birth control and still influence our unconscious sexual desires today.  Men are more likely than women to think about sex and fantasize about having sex with multiple partners.  In fact, a multi-billion dollar industry – pornography – exploits this basic sexual difference.

Given this basic biological difference, here are some key differences between men and women when it comes to cheating:

  • Men are more likely than women to cheat with someone who is less attractive than their current partner.  Women cheat up while men are more opportunistic when it comes to cheating.
  • Men are more likely than women to have a one-night stand.  Women are more prone to having emotional affairs.
  • Men are less likely to consider leaving their partners after cheating.  When women cheat, it tends to be more emotionally involved so they are more likely to consider ending their current relationship.
  • Men are more likely than women to repeatedly cheat on a spouse or partner.

Can you think of other reasons why? Feel free to add to our list.

Best Regards,

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