Step 6 Action Steps

1. What are your current difficulties in moving on? Review the following list as honesty as possible. You may wish to write in your journey the reasons why you feel the way you do about each of these points. Most importantly, create an action plan for how you will overcome the challenge.

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Yes/No

Action Plan

Fear of Vulnerability

Strong Moral Convictions

Influence from family & friends

Unable to contain your emotions

Unable to make sense of the affair

Continued hurtful actions or inactions of your partner

Beliefs about forgiveness

Fear of Being Hurt Again

Not wanting to give up status as the injured party

Other

  1. Steps to moving on. Acknowledging where you are in the Forgiveness Process is healing, and moves you towards happiness and freedom.

STEP

 

YES/NO

Comment/Action

1

Recognition
– Does the affair partner have a clear understanding of what happened and its consequences

2

Responsibility
-Has the affair partner taken full responsibility for their decision to have an affair. Eg “It is insulting to say “I never meant to hurt you” as it avoids there responsibility of deciding to have an affair

3

Remorse
– Does your partner have deep sadness, morning or even pain from the hurt they have caused you?

4

Restitution
-Does your partner do positive actions to minimize the hurt & negative consequences from the affair?

5

Reform
Your partner provides reassurance & evidence of a commitment not to hurt you in the future by:

  1. Pledging not to hurt you in the same way again
  2. Addressing conditions that contributed to the affair
  3. Discuss how you both will prevent affairs in the future
  4. Being open and transparent in their actions

6

Release
-Are you ready to let go of the need to punish your partner for the affair, or demanding further restitution.
(this is generally 1 yr after the affair discovery)

7

Reconciliation
-Are you ready to commit to rebuilding a relationship based on mutual trust & caring. (This does not necessarily mean reconciling or staying in your marriage)

  1. Discuss the Risks and Benefits of Moving On
    1. What steps have you both accomplished in moving on?
    2. What have each of you done to make things better?
    3. Make a list of the steps you STILL need to take to move forward and clarify the barriers that are holding you back
    4. What will you do to overcome these barriers?
  • Make a Decision to Forgive or Move On
  • What are the potential risks and benefits of letting go of your hurt or anger?
  • What strategy do you have if you cannot overcome the barrier? Eg you can’t stop dwelling on xyz…what will you do?