Type 4: Entitlement Affair


The Entitlement Affair


  • Celebrity Affairs
  • Royalty Affairs
  • Revenge Affairs


The WHY:  Attempting to fill an inner void, but actions fueled by narcissism



I should not be limited, as I deserve what ever I choose



The Entitlement Affair is usually a serious, long-term one in which the straying partner is charming, popular, successful, and powerful.  Professional interests become more important than family relationships, and the couple lives separate lives.

When the affair comes to light, we often wonder “what are they thinking?” Actually they weren’t thinking – they were assuming that their hard work entitled them to the power and related perks.

Frank Bruni, in the New York Times (Nov. 12, 2012) states that the “adulation in the public arena probably isn’t mirrored in their marriages.  A spouse is unlikely to provide it -“A spouse knows you too well for that.”

We cannot assume that all married couples want to be intimate partners. In many parts of the world, couples don’t aspire to such closeness. The closest relationships are sometimes with the children, the couples parents and siblings, or with their same sex buddies.

In some parts of the world, the spouse is treated with great respect and dignity, while the greatest closeness is with a mistress or master who functions as a lover and companion.


Lifting the lid on the relationship

The real difficulty comes when one partner wants closeness and the other one wants distance. Then they are in constant conflict, with one trying to stop fights that will require interaction and discussion and attention being paid, while the other uses conflict to justify leaving the house, going to another room and locking the door, or just going into a silent mode – stonewalling. Anything to reduce interaction.

One pursues, the other runs away. The pursuer pursues harder, the runner runs farther, and around and around they go, each believing that their model of the marriage is the right one.

Either the partner who wants distance or the partner who wants closeness can achieve it by getting involved with someone else. The marital arrangement requires a third or fourth person to stabilize a relationship that is alternately too intense for one Partner and too flat for the other.

Types of arrangements

There are a variety of marital arrangements by which a less than ideal marriage is stabilized through the addition of a marital aid, someone who is willing to sacrifice or complicate his or her domestic life for the sake of preventing the mismatch couple from having to get a divorce.

Here are some of the marital arrangements that can be made when a couple decides they want to be unhappily married, yet stay in the marriage. Rather than solve the problems that they blame for the marital unhappiness, they decide to stabilize the marriage and it’s in perfect state, and they do this by bringing in an affair partner.

There is no secrecy about the marital unhappiness. There is usually no secret about the affair. Only the identity of the affair partner maybe kept a secret.

The permanent triangle- some people don’t want to be married and they don’t want to be divorced. They want everything as stable as possible. They do not want the stress of philandering. They have past their romantic phase. They don’t believe that swapping wives or husbands will make them any happier. They have a permanent triangle with the lover so that it stabilizes the marriage. It protects it from intimacy, and provides a safe outlet from having to fall in love.

Sex haters – some people just don’t like sex. There are really marriages that have been sexless for years, even decades. They may have even told their partners to go outside for sex. Of course just because someone tells you to go outside to find sex, doesn’t mean he or she will like it when you do. In this situation, the infidel may even fall in love with the sex partner, even if she is a prostitute. They truly need love and connection.

There are many other types of arrangements you will find – from swingers to revenge affairs.

The Lover

The third party is attracted to the power and the perks of the straying partner, and the lover may have more in common with the straying partner than the spouse.


Treatment Strategy:

  • Are you willing to do many monologue exercises to build a friendship and vulnerability in the relationship?
  • Are you willing to try and find recreational activities together, to build interesting activities and lifestyle back into the relationship?
  • For those who lack emotional and sexual connection, are you willing to explore new sexual activities in the bedroom?
  • Remember, that the issues in this marriage are deeply rooted in the psychology of the individual. Are you (the cheater) willing to get professional help to understand your entitlement issues?